The retreat in words and pictures BY AURA POLOCENKAITE

Dryness, my God, cracks of my life. I know what the cause of them was. You know it too. That was the beginning of all pain in my life, the beginning of all dryness, that was the option I wouldn’t ever take. It just grabbed me. Grabbed and destroyed everything I have ever created in my life.

I know that wasn’t Your fault, so thank You for taking a good care of me anyway.

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Time was passing. I was waiting. You know that I was feeling like a sinner, like a leper who was waiting to be washed. I just felt constant guilt that the moment I was waiting for isn’t coming just because of me. I thought it was my heart. Was it hard as a stone, so hard that You couldn’t break through and fix everything that was broken, what seemed to be an abyss which I was so afraid to look into? … Maybe it was something else – I was just feeling like it was me, so I judged myself everyday because You didn’t. You just surrounded me with Your love. Were You joking?! Where do You get so much love for those who are such big sinners? Sinners like me!!

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All the opportunities to seal those cracks up were just like jumping into the abyss: I didn’t know where the end was, how long I would fall. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t stand firm – just too many feelings I haven’t ever felt. You know how big my fear was. Thank You for that trust You gave me. Without it I would probably have followed all the signs which said ‘way out’ (‘Come on, run from here. It’s not worth trying – it will be too difficult. Come on, run from here till it’s not too late!’). But I knew that you wouldn’t give me anything if it wasn’t good for me so I had to deal with all fears I had. Well… I had to accept and try to live with them. I couldn’t do anything else except follow the way You were showing.

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You know what I understood? You haven’t ever pushed me, it was me who always wanted to solve everything at once. No wonder it seemed so difficult and so scary.

Everything was so different this time. As soon as I gave away my anxiety I just stood there in front of You naked, with nothing except trust and openness. Surrendered…

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That’s what You wanted. You just wanted me to do what I like best – to be myself.

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You were so gentle, my God! Oh, how wonderful You are and how free I am in You!

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You were preparing me for listening. Listening to Your Word. I was now prepared and scared no more.

What did You say?! Everything wasn’t my fault?! Why didn’t You say this earlier? You say I needed that time. I bow my head – that’s true. There’s nothing better than finally to find You, so close and so gentle, so wise and so simple, finally to speak with You and listen to You! No matter how long it takes and no matter how rough the way was – here I am, prepared.

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I know there’s a long way to go, there are so many things which are just like needles on my way, but my heart and my soul are so thirsty for freedom. I was a captive for so long: captive of myself, captive of my thoughts which said that answers are in me. Forgive me! I was too self-centred.

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I can see the way, I can see where I need to go now. I don’t know what exactly is waiting for me, but I’m not afraid because You are my strength. I’m not afraid because I know You’ll take care of me. As You always have.

Now I can follow the sign ‘way out’, but this time this is a sign from You which shows the real way to freedom, the real way closer to You.

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Now You just need to wait till I come to You with the pure heart which You started to cleanse. I know You’ll finish doing that – You are so patient! Thank You for not giving up!

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All in You and You in me!

…All Yours!

Aura

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Aura Polocenkaite was a JVC volunteer in Manchester 2007/8. She volunteered at Loaves and Fishes and Church Action on Poverty and has a lot of photographs of her year.

Roller Coaster by TERRY CONLAN

JVC – whoa! This is a programme that can change one’s life. In fact, change a nation, change the world – as there are many JVC programmes throughout the world. JVC is a journey of uncertainty and desolation. The values are spot on and challenging, the staff are great support and I am sure that they have great support in the Jesuits. I guess we all join JVC, including the staff and Jesuits, for a deeper journey in our feelings with God, for it is our feelings that take us on this journey.

I can’t speak for the other JVC volunteers, but I can express my feelings on my journey so far in JVC, which are neither negative nor positive about my experience so far, so please take it as the truth, and be encouraged, this is what I wish to value in this writing, the truth. I will also add a poem to show you how I was feeling.

I am a person with high expectations, but find it difficult to be proactive in these expectations. People have told me not to have such high expectations, and others have said it good to have high expectations. I believe it is good to have high expectations, even if you shatter your soul through them; at least you give it a shot. Life is about taking risks. I will be honest, I have had many set backs in fact been hammered into the ground with the mistakes and choices that I have made, but I wouldn’t change a thing, and I will keep taking risks in life, I have had many desolate moments in my life in fact I am in desolation while I write this.

My relationship with God has changed. I don’t know if it has gone deeper or weaker, I see God in a different way, and I am sure I will see God even more differently when I finish. My struggles with the fact I am a Christian distract me from getting deep with God. But I don’t feel scared about this, in fact I feel a sense of liberation. Maybe that’s working in social justice projects for you – the more injustice I see a lot less matters about Christianity.

One thing is for sure, discovering more about yourself is the journey for me. It’s been really painful but also really exciting,

How can one benefit and do a better job in doing social justice, you need to search deep, this might involve crying, yelling, depression, anger and of course desolation.

OK.

On a lighter note, a passion has been born and refreshed on the JVC journey. Seeing through the eyes of injustice, and feeling through the heart of justice, consolation is gathered in this part of the journey. We feel so powerless and hopeless, yet amazingly liberated. Our search for faith overcomes our imperfection and weakness as a human being when we feel God close to us.

It’s quite difficult to write this only six months into the programme, as there are still five months left to complete the journey, but it’s the journey that is the fulfilment, not the end product. My feelings are more alive and real, whereas if I write this at the end of the programme it would take a different form.

The journey

Created with purpose, pulse, feeling and a soul.

Crawling walking running flying!! freedom!!, fumbling slipping falling cant get up!! pain!! Watching wondering thinking!! lost!!! Crying smiling shocked confused angry!! feeling!!! Learning growing humble!! wisdom!!! ( A warrior never gives up in fulfilling their journey)

Covered in darkness, drunk with shame, my anger alights with a raging flame, looking from the eyes of a shadow, listening with the ears of sin, kissing death with thorns in my heart. Isn’t it so easy to follow the person with the horns ( A warrior never gives up in fulfilling their journey)

Waves of energy embrace a skyline, dried up sandstorms weep,

Wind fighting against the detestation (desolation?), a hurricane delivering its irrational thoughts, comets fall with reason, the sea swallows its tongue, God roars with freedom!!!!!! (A warrior never gives up in fulfilling their journey)

One things for sure, without feelings the journey is dull or even dead. My conclusion; life is a journey, no matter how painful or light it is, it’s yours to be felt and respected with all your feelings. Don’t forget, God is with you every step you take in your journey, so go and embrace your destiny – which is the journey itself

What is Spirituality? By SARAH MCDONAGH

How many times have we heard the word “spiritual” used to describe a person admired for their reflective nature, heightened sense of self-awareness, commitment to their faith or insightfulness? How many times have we used the word ourselves in reference to some of history’s greatest men and women such as Ghandi and Mother Teresa? Despite our constant use of it, few among us can offer an all-encompassing explanation for the word that seems to express so much of what we understand to be all that is not obviously physical.

Father Hugh, Parish priest of St Andrews Cathedral in Glasgow and Chaplin of both the Wayside Day Centre and Royal Infirmary, was one of a small selection that expressed a little of what they understood by Spirituality. When asked what spirituality meant to him, father Hugh replied “It’s a relationship with a higher power. The gift to, not of, an open heart.” He later added to this, with reference to the service users at the Wayside. “They’re spiritual people. They might not darken the church door but there’s kindness out there; people looking after people, people sharing.” When I asked Fr. Hugh if you needed to have faith to be a spiritual person or possess some sense of spirituality he gave me a very definite yes, but didn’t leave it there. “Not necessarily faith in God or a religion, but you need to believe – you need to have faith in something.” The benefits of spirituality according to the Chaplin are clear “spirituality leads to integration, to focus. It leads to the ability to achieve your aims.”

Though Father Hugh’s view of spirituality was clear, it is far from the only perception of what can be seen as a fairly abstract concept. Anne, an attendant of my placement, described spirituality as “bigger than my feelings. Its something that’s deep within… it makes you see things from a different perspective.” She holds that spirituality gives “glimpses into who you are” as well as “tapping into the positive and understanding people’s pain, but it’s much more than empathy…it’s about being aware. Its intuition” Though it may not be the most clear-cut definition, Anne certainly gives the sense that, to her, spirituality isn’t all about attending mass or even reading scripture; in fact her determination that there ” is something missing” in the rules and regulations of all religions portrays this quite clearly.

When I asked Anne if she felt that you needed faith to be spiritual she gave a slow but firm “No.” Instead she seems to hold that “Its just part of you. I mean, what is faith at the end of the day? Sometimes I think I have faith and others times I just think it’s (spirituality) there anyway, I don’t think it matters if you believe. Everyone’s a spiritual person they just haven’t been introduced to it; a smile, people being helpful to someone, that’s a sign of spirituality.” The key to Anne’s idea is “the sense of shame” that comes with life. “It’s other people rather than anything else; God say’s this, God say’s that. Sometimes it’s important to say it is okay not to conform. Difference is the link.” While Anne’s definition of spirituality seems to have more to do with feelings and intuition than any set idea, when I asked her if she thought there were any definite benefits her answer seemed to link to that of religions around the world; life after death. “You see things going wrong in the world, how it makes you feel as a person. At least people aren’t suffering anymore, they’re moving on. I think maybe you can come back again.”

For me spirituality can be summed up in two chapters of Kahlil Gibran’s Epic poem “The Prophet”, Religion and Self-Knowledge. Of Religion Gibran asks, “Is not religion all deeds and all reflection?” The poet questions our ability to separate our faith from our actions; are our acts of faith restricted to the church or, as he believes (and I must say I agree), should we not live out our faith or beliefs whenever we can. On self-knowledge Gibran says this:

“Seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.”
Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.”
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.”

Spirituality is not a cut and dry part of JVC life; if anything it is one of the more controversial values. Each individual volunteer arrived at Savio House with an expectation of how they would practice their faith and develop and deepen their own sense of spirituality. I daresay that most did not find what they had anticipated. Community life prevents any one person focusing on what they think spirituality should be, and rightly so. By being forced to listen, understand and practice varying ideas of spirituality and being prevented from indulging in our own ideals, I imagine each one of this year’s JVC volunteers has deepened and developed their faith in ways that they had never anticipated and would have never expected.

If JVC is to show anything about spirituality in day-to-day life it is that every action has an effect, not only on others but also on ourselves. When roger spoke at the simple life style retreat in Oxenholme he focused on consolation and desolation. Though actions, whether our own or others, may make us feel happy, satisfied or maybe even euphoric this does not necessarily imply that they will lead us into consolation. In the same way, though we may have experienced pain, anger or frustration as a result of the way we have behaved, or through the way we have been treated we should not presume that we are being lead into desolation. The only way to answer that question is by first answering whether or not we are moving towards God.

Spirituality doesn’t mean that we must attend mass each week; it doesn’t mean that we must become saints nor does it require us to spend our entire lives in reflective or meditative prayer. Spirituality suggests that we find ways to God, ways, new or old, to discover our true selves and better understand each other.

Sarah was a JVC volunteer 2006-7. She volunteered with homeless people at the Wayside Centre in Glasgow

Faithful To The Text by CATHRINE CORLESS

Carol Batton is a talented Manchester poet, writing about the plight of people with mental health problems and campaigning for their rights. She has completed literally thousands of poems hundreds of which have been published. Cathrine Corless describes her reason for including ‘Harvest Sow’, one of Carol’s poems, before presenting a poem based on her own spiritual reflections.

Harvest and Sow
Harvest and sow.
Harvest and sow.
God in his garden,
might let us grow.

Fallow and full.
Fallow and full.
God in His garden
Might give us All.

Mellow and mild.
Seed pod and child.
God in His garden
Leaves us to crawl.

Below or above
Below of above
God in His garden…
Show us some love!

Lawn and dawn.
Lawn and dawn.
God in His garden,
Also brings down.

Soil when we’re short of…
We get caught in the might have…
God in His garden,
Let us know that we couldn’t have.

Harvest and sow.
Harvest and sow.
God in His garden
might let us grow

Carol Batton October 2001

 

I think Harvest and Sow communicates a sense of frustration and abandonment that can be felt both by people who have, and who don’t have a faith. People in a Christian culture (or perhaps any religious culture), however faint, may feel they are under an expectation (rather than an offer) to believe in an all powerful, and concurrently all merciful God. People who have suffered – perhaps through loss, abuse and abandonment from the hands of our damaged world – may find the proposal laughable, even highly offensive. I think experiences like this are reflected in Carol’s piece.

For some people there might be the discovery of a complex set of contradictory feelings about the question of the existence of a God; the seeming impossibility of his existence opposite a sense of still being angry with him or her. Maybe even an envy of those who have experienced enough fortune and/or love in this world to hold some faith. I feel sad that my belief is that the experience of our Church, for many people, has been that it has asked them to tolerate positions of servitude or even oppression and then asked them to cope with it well – or even be grateful for it.

As a Christian believer (although not a very committed one) for me Carol’s work speaks of times of frustration and distance in my relationship with God. In my interpretation it even reflects the thorny difficulty I personally have of trusting God in my journey with him

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Lover,
They – the other stars were there when I started the expedition.
With them I moved along our distant shore – all of us orientated from different spheres, different directions – all with the vague hope of getting close to you.
We were all still lit from some time ago. The moment – the instant – when you had first touched us. First shown your light as truly real, not a fantasy, not an inherited piece of identity. A living, breathing, uncontainable force. But for all, the light had changed intensity now. Some stars were searching, some following along the motions, some waiting. All moving – tracing the course of the maiden night in their own style. I followed, tracking them along the void of the galaxy.
But this day I was drawn then urged, deeper into the atmosphere of the night. I saw the setting. I remember milky moonlight against the striking, black ocean – vast and dark.
The Oceans’ deafeningly deep voice… in the same breath inviting, threatening, and promising. “Come…”
Suddenly I saw you.
I was in the full glare.
My face greedily staring at yours.
I was transfixed, absorbed – led into light. Walking on towards you. Completely careless – carefree of all else.
Pulled into orbit. Aching to be naked. Unashamedly open to consumption. More…
Then no straining, just surrendering to embrace. Engulfed by your breathtaking beauty. The satisfaction to see my shadow shine on your face. To turn my self only to you – drunk by the awesome wave of love. Caressed by the tentacles of your rays. A few seconds free of the heavy and archaic earth. A glimpse of a liberated eternity, to circle and be encircled by you?
A momentary pleasure of being thee desirable entity – suspended in the all-searching, all-loving will of you to have me, and me to have you. The closeness of the encounter. Locked in complete Intimacy. Enslaved by an erotic passion – also completely free.
One day when I finally beat the black and white of the urgent – the “To Do” list, and the hum of mundanity quietens – I’ll come to the back beach to meet you again. Will you still be there? Some of the other stars say the promise dictates that you will. Perhaps the question should be – Will I still be able to see you?
Love…
Cathrine

Cathrine Corless was a JVC volunteer at Hearng Voices Network from 2006-7

Simple Lifestyle and Spirituality by ISABELLE KOTCHY

Hinduism’s Simple lifestyle is taught through non-attachment or what may be called psychological Simple Lifestyle. It is a way of considering events in our life with some distance. As for Buddhism, non-attachment brings us peace of mind. Simple Lifestyle is above all simple mind. Most of the time, the acquisition of this virtue goes along with the practise of asceticism within a spiritual community. We also learn to be in harmony with the opposite forces we meet. A simple state of awareness in the present time is essential. Whereas Hinduism and Buddhism have a more intellectual approach on Simple Style, Taoism tends to suggest concrete daily acts. A Simpler Lifestyle would imply: walking, earning less money, wearing simple clothes. For Taoism, the fact of “possessing” is not an authentic source of happiness. As human nature is intrinsically in demand for more than what we may possess, it is worthless to accumulate wealth.

Now, what is the Biblical viewpoint about Simple Lifestyle? The Bible teaches us how to make a fair balance between wealth and poverty, not to fall into extreme asceticism nor blind materialism. First of all, the Bible does not condemn wealth or poverty. On the contrary, wealth can be seen as a sign of God’s blessing (Jer 9:23; Deut 8 ). However, wealth obtained through immoral and illegal means is blamed (Amos 5:11). Christians should be careful to the seductive effects wealth can have on them; notably that they derive resources from the right path. For all things and all creations must be directed to God. As for poverty, the Bible offers interpretations that it can be an affect of God’s test (Job 1:12-19), punishment (Isa 47:9) or simply the result of cultural, economic environment (Prov 10:15). The latter may be the cause of cultural laziness yet moreover is due to lack of education or even inappropriate government policies. The Bible also offers another explanation of poverty: That oppression and exploitation of vulnerable people is the most wide spread source of impoverishment around the world (Prov.28:15). Obviously, Christianity stands against this injustice. Generally, a handful of the population benefits from the wealth and the majority is forced to live in misery. Living a Simple Lifestyle has nothing to do with it. Biblically, voluntary poverty might be helpful to feel freer from our material world and more attentive to spiritual ways. What Christians propose is a sedate and rationale living based on one’s freedom. Just let us remember that when Jesus called his disciples to follow Him, it was absolutely up to each of them to go or to stay. As Christ showed the way, Christians attempted to make a reasonable usage of material means and target our life to God.

It is not easy and we may sometimes be tempted to be in vogue and share the values of this world. It is hard and challenging to be different. But Christians have to be aware of what their choices lead them to. Let us remember that Jesus recommended that we should give back to Caesar what belongs to him and to God what is to Him! Saying so, Christ drew our attention to discern between what is essential – namely our relationship with God – from what is superficial and ephemeral, the pleasuring of the senses. When Jesus was on earth, He owned next to nothing. He lived as a carpenter’s son, close to the poor and we – Christians – have to follow his tracks. That means we should live a Simple Lifestyle, owning what is necessary for our well-being. It may resemble living like the poor; but it is not adopting a life of abject need, fighting for life and subjecting oneself to chronically substandard living environments. This is what we fight and renounce wealth to change for others. A Simple Lifestyle should be seen as Christians’ solidarity with the marginalised in our society; a kind of message of Hope, for the Bible said that those who suffer here will be blessed and consoled in Heaven. We should not be afraid of Simple Living. Jesus survived it, why not us? In God, we can only find consolation and in struggles and times of low feeling this is how we view the Christians’ experience.

I dare not say that our community has the best Simple Lifestyle. We just try to stick to our basic needs. We go shopping at Tesco Metro, which is cheaper to Tesco Express (by the way, sorry for the advertisement). We have only been to cinema once since we arrived in Birmingham. Most of the time, our main entertainment is a chat in the dining room, with some music. Sometimes, one of us shares their artistic talent, playing some musical instrument .We do each other’s hair and do not go to the barber or hair dresser. We are also committed in ecology, especially in recycling plastics, papers and glasses. We do not do something extraordinary. We are just trying to experiment with Simple Lifestyle, together, at least once in our lives. So, the Christian view, the ideal Simple Lifestyle is the one Jesus practised. It may demand some sobriety (a basic needs sustainable life). Nonetheless, wealth is not fundamentally questioned as far as Christian’s treasure is centred to God. For the Bible reminds us that: “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Mt 6)

Isabelle was a JVC volunteer 2006-. She volunteered at Brushstrokes and the British Red Cross working with asylum seekers and refugees

Spirituality and JVC – Communal Prayer by STEPHEN HOYLAND

One of the most difficult parts of the JVC year is communal prayer. There are many reasons for this. It might be that one person finds personal prayer difficult or never prays. Perhaps a common way cannot be found which suits all house members with their diverse religious cultures. There is often a reticence around the kind of sharing, which prayer together involves, so that it is easy to let it slip. The absence of communal prayer does not spoil the JVC ethos because the presence of God does not depend entirely upon explicit religious practice, yet if ways of praying together can be found, the community’s life is enhanced and everyone’s JVC experience enriched.

Prayer in common may respond to all of the challenges listed above. Often prayer with others is easier than prayer on one’s own. The community supports the individual. This is not unlike the experience of being unable to study except in a library when surrounded by other people engaged in the same project. The person finding prayer difficult might be pleasantly surprised by how much more it flows in company.

If a JVC member does not really see the point of prayer but is committed to community then so long as the models used are appropriate it can still work.

This brings me on to a discussion of models or ways or praying together which allow people of different traditions to find common ground in a way which is not irksome and awkward. Let’s invent a hypothetical household that might find it difficult to pray together: Martha is a traditional Spanish Catholic who has never heard of Anglicans let alone Evangelicals and is rather shy.
Lucy is an English Evangelical who just loves to share.
Hans is a lapsed Lutheran agnostic hippy with poor English.
Benedict is an English conservative Catholic who changed his name by deed pole after the last papal election and prays the Divine Office in Latin.

OK, the prospects for the kind of communal prayer that is going to last more than one sitting for this spiritually dysfunctional JVC family might be bleak. What are the prospects?

Each person could take their turn at leading a way of praying that suits them individually. This is likely to be embarrassing and unappealing. “Now then, Lucy”, says Benedict, “This is a rosary. . . ” Or imagine Lucy’s face as Hans reaches for the incense sticks and rolls up a ‘peace pipe’. Lucy takes her revenge with her prayer of exorcism as she sings in tongues, hands raised. Martha wonders how quickly she can get back to Spain.

My suggestion, or one possibility, would be different. Each person takes a turn to lead. Music is played, choosing something to which no one objects. You might have a bank of CDs, which everyone can live with. This helps towards stillness. There could follow a period of silence for personal reflection or prayer, but together, in the same space. Then a short reading: something from the leader’s religious tradition or a favorite poem perhaps, but accessible and inoffensive to everyone. Another period of silence in which to reflect or pray follows. Then the leader could formally end the time of prayer/reflection in a suitable way, perhaps by playing some more music for a few minutes and fading it out gently, after which the prayer is over, or with a prayer said by that leader, or the whole group if appropriate. The whole process could take between 30 minutes or an hour. The length should be agreed beforehand. There might be a little sharing on how that was for people. It is a very good way of further building up the community.

Of course, groups might want some prayer aloud, choose to sing, or to do things differently in all sorts of ways, if that suits them. It might be that a community decides to share each other’s traditions. This can be one of the growth points of the JVC year in that different approaches to prayer are shared within the community and each person learns again that God is bigger than one tradition and can come to us in more than one kind of way.

The strength of the model described above is that it could work with any community and perhaps even in extreme cases where there is little common ground yet there remains a desire to be a fully functioning Jesuit Volunteer Community.

Stephen Hoyland is currently on the team at Loyola Hall Spirituality Centre, a Jesuit retreat centre near Liverpool. He is interested in an approach to spirituality that is truly nourishing for individuals and communities and supports the commitment to social justice and simple living. This is one reason why he likes JVC. The other is the joy of contact with the volunteers who embody those core values, and also play football with him