“Anne”, a woman overcoming drug addiction, talks about her experience, recovery and plans for a new life.
“People want someone to blame and famous people make it easy, people like Kate Moss, and Pete Doherty, influencing teenagers, but it’s bull, if you want to do it you’re going to do it. Every person in this world that uses drugs be it cigarettes, cannabis, cocaine, speed, alcohol, anything, they will do it because they choose to. But you can’t dabble. No. You always want it if you’ve tried it. You might think you can dabble – kid yourself – but you start to do it more and more, until its day and night. You’re always chasing that first high, and you’ll never get it.
“I wouldn’t say there is more information available about drugs, I’d say there’s more bullshit available about drugs. Nothing in those little books they hand out will actually tell you what it’s like. Is it written by someone that’s been through it? Tasted it? And as for kids, they aren’t interested in reading leaflets. When someone comes up and gives me a leaflet it goes in the bin. To get these kids you’d need a bad ass boy documentary film to show them what’s going on in this world.”
Volunteering in a centre for vulnerable females, I have had the privilege of meeting women with more sincerity that I’ve ever seen in people before. Each with remarkable stories, It has shown me what it means to have strength and belief in yourself, despite how the rest of the world may treat you.
Anne made the choice to break free from her debilitating addiction to crack cocaine four months ago. She is step by step reclaiming her life. This social justice edition of Holy Joe has provided an ideal space for Anne to speak of her experiences, voice the injustices she has faced and tell her story in her own words. Naturally, after all this talking, Anne had worked up an appetite so she was treated to a well-deserved pub lunch. Not having been out for a meal in two and a half years, Anne was delighted and full of gratitude.
Childhood….
“Growing up was good, I had a lot of fun, I’ve got a lot of good memories. I had a good mother and a good father.
“I met my boyfriend and we ran away together when we were young teenagers because we loved each other and my dad was not allowing me to go with this lad, he was really strict and he wanted me to concentrate on my work in school.
“We were rouges together, shop lifting for food, we looked after each other. We travelled in a long distance lorry. You don’t realise the dangers at that age. When I see runaway kids on the TV now it takes me back. Back then, it wasn’t safe, but it was a hell of a lot safer than it is now. Me being a teenage runaway now, I wouldn’t have a chance on this earth without someone introducing me into drugs and prostitution.”
Love and marriage…
“Up to my late twenties I had a great time. We were sleeping rough in the back of an old pub, but I was happy. I got pregnant with my first daughter and he said ‘lets get married’ so we did. I was definitely happy, don’t get me wrong, we had our hiccups but things were good.
“My husband picked up a really bad gambling habit and we didn’t have any money with kids to feed. I’d been seeing my mum and dad again and they were giving me money, but I ended up having to leave him. I went through hell for a good eighteen months.
“I moved into a flat with my kids and a knock came on the door at about quarter to twelve one night. When I opened the door it was the police. They were asked me if I knew my husband, I said ‘yeah what’s he done?.’ They told me he was dead. It was then I realised how much I loved him, we’d had kids together, he was my best friend.”
Introduction to drugs…
“Six months after my husband had died, I was at a low stage and social services were brought in. I wasn’t eating and depression had set in hard. I wasn’t acting like the mother I had been. A friend, well who I thought was a friend, introduced me to this guy that I fell for. He took me out, showed me a real good time, bought me stuff, I was swept off my feet and loved all this attention. He told me he wanted to take me away to a place, a small village, it was remote, you could take someone there if you wanted to get inside their head. He took me there for a fortnight. That was it. I came back a junkie. He had some friends there one night and they were smoking crack cocaine. They were trying to give it to me and I said no at first, but I gave in, I was powerless. When I first tried it, wow, it was magnificent, couldn’t talk couldn’t think. When we got back I found out that he had women working in prostitution, in houses and saunas, paying them in drugs. I managed to get away from him, he beat me up and I went to the police, I got away from him, but the damage had been done.”
Addiction…
“I’d only had crack that once, and didn’t have it for another two years after, but I wanted it the whole time. That one time, was enough, it had changed me.
“I was at a friends house two years later, and I couldn’t believe it. I saw her with the can, smoking crack. I never knew she was into it, I told her I’d had it before so she gave me some. I loved it, loved it, I got that wow again that I’d had 2 years ago, my head was thumping, my heart was racing. I felt like the inside of me was going to turn inside out. It was a great feeling.
“I never had any money, I spent all my benefits on crack I wanted it so bad. My parents stepped in and took my kids off me.
“I was around a lot of people doing crack, going to all these different houses to score. But we never had any money, all our money went on the drugs. My friend said to me one day ‘I know how we can get some cash’. She took me to a place where we met this guy and she told me that he would give me fifty quid if I had sex with him. I said no way, but this guy went up to a hundred and fifty quid. I couldn’t believe it. I did it. I wanted the money. It all went on crack. From then on, basically, I was doing crack cocaine day and night. I’d lost my home, I’d lost my kids.
“My mum took really ill and it felt like my world was ending. When she was dying, she told me to promise I would stop taking drugs. But its hard, it’s hard to stop. It took until years later when I was still involved in prostitution, starving, I looked anorexic, and homeless. I was rushed into hospital. I thought I was going to die. Its not good, drugs have taken my life, it’s not good, I’d tell anyone that, its not worth it, they make you feel lovely, but it doesn’t last. Drugs take your life. Crack is the devils’ work. If someone shows you it, walk away from it.
“Over those years I didn’t see my family, or any old friends or anyone I could trust. I met some of the workers from this centre out on the street but I wasn’t ready to accept the help that was really there. It’s only since last year that I’ve realised that this centre has got so much going for it and it really can help you but you’ve got to want to take the help. You’ve got to want to do it, because just saying I’m going to come off drugs isn’t enough.”
Crack and Heroine…
“I was around heroine users and that was a different cycle all together. People say never trust anyone who is on drugs, but if you ask people on crack cocaine, that only take crack cocaine ‘what are heroine users like?’ they’ll say ‘don’t fuckin trust ´em’. Crack cocaine users do not trust heroine users, they think they’re the worst people you could know or get to know. Even if they pinch your box of matches they’ve got to pinch something from you.
“I’ve never done heroine and I feel sorry for people that have, they have no life. With crack you’ve got some form of get up and go, the addiction feels more psychological but with heroine, it’s a drug that takes you over, totally takes you over, to a point where you can’t even pick your head in the morning without needing it straight away.”
Drug Trade….
“Dealers. They’d follow you, bully you, and come up saying ‘how come you ain’t been phoning me?’ They expect you to phone them but why would you phone them if their stones crap or they’ve given you a pebble when you can have a bullet of someone else? Vicious people. But, then you’ve got some dealers that were so good and nice to you and had A class stone that was fuckin’ wicked, I’m talking this is so much better than an orgasm, and their manners towards you, well, you’d want to phone them. But, you’d fall in love with them and that was a bad thing. It was intentional, obviously. They knew they had you.”
Desperate times…
“If could get a nights rest or a few hours I’d take it. I’d sleep in with men just to get a few hours, some men would con me, tell me that if I’d give them a fuck they’d put me up for the night, but soon as they’d fucked me they’d throw me out. I’ve even been thrown out without my bag and my belongings and they’ve robbed me.
“There was a man I’d been staying with for a while, he’d been helping me out. I’d slowed down on the drugs, and on the working, I’d even started to buy clothes again. But then his neighbour saw two more prostitutes outside one day, talking to me. She got in touch with the neighbourhood watch people, they all came to him and threatened to evict him unless he threw me out. So again, I was homeless, back heavy on the drugs, no where to go and back working even to pay for a bed and breakfast for somewhere to stay.
“I’ve helped girls pay off debts to drug dealers that were going to kill them, help them steal the cash they needed. When you’re in that work you can lift pockets. If a man has given you a tenner for a blow job but you see he has another hundred and eighty quid in his pocket, you grab it if you can. I had some good earners, we would work together. The most me and another girl got off a guy was £1800, we split it. But, my pimp found out about it, they make sure you give it them, I saw forty quid of that money, its not easy. But it’s every dog for himself. Some people will beat you, or bully you, its terrible.”
Police and Prison…
“The police have lied. They have arrested me for the purpose of prostitution when I haven’t been working, I’ve just been walking down the street. Seriously, they get to know areas, and if they know you and don’t like you or they’ve had bad experiences with your pimp they will arrest you when you really haven’t been working.
“If anyone tells you it’s easy to get drugs in prison, they’re lying. Sometimes, you get a rush of drugs, but within an hour they’re finished. Sometimes if you can get a spliff you’re happy with it. I did manage to get some crack in prison though, sometimes people come up on visits with it. Another alternative is prison guards. I was in jail once and I was sleeping with a prison guard. He would bring me cigarettes, chocolate and miniature bottles of alcohol, all sorts. I just needed to ask for the drugs and I could get them. It takes work though.”
Faith….
“Nothing ever lead me to stop believing in God. No, not even in the lowest points, I mean it. I believe in God, but I also question Him. I would like to go to a monastery for the simple reason of finding inner peace. To be in a place like that, away from the world, to focus. If I didn’t find it there, I don’t think I’d ever find it.”
Breakdown…
“On that day I was living around and about, I had about £160 and £100 worth of crack. Believe it or not, I smoked none of the drugs – something – I just wasn’t feeling right so I lent the money and the drugs to this girl, who I thought was my mate. She said she’d let me stay with her and her boyfriend for a while. But she didn’t, they took the gear and kicked me out 3.30 in the morning. I felt so desperately ill and weak I walked to the Drugs Centre and waited for it to open. When it did, they took me to the hospital, I was admitted. They said that 2 days later I would have been dead. Because of the lifestyle, I’d come into contact with TB, but I didn’t know I had it. I was in hospital for a month. It made me realise that I wanted more for my life.”
Helping hand…
“I knew about the drugs centres, and the drug workers do outreach on the street to tell you where they are and give you food and hot drinks. I knew where to go when I needed help.
“I know there is support, and it’s really helping me but it’s me that is helping myself at the end of the day. But I can get strength, I can come to this centre for a chat, people care about you here, I get real support, I can come, have a laugh, be myself, not have to be false, and even by tidying up, I can help out and show that I’m thankful. I still can’t really trust people though, I find that hard.
“I know people judge me for being a drug addict, but to be truthful I’m past caring, life’s too short, I see that. I know that I’ve got myself back on form and whether people want to accept me or not I’ve still got to live my life haven’t I? I’m still trying, I haven’t lapsed in four months, and I’m doing good; look at all the weight I’ve put on! I have goals now, like seeing my family again and being a volunteer in this place in six months if I carry on like this. I’d love to do workshops on drug abuse, drugs, and street life.”
Donna McBride was a JVC volunteer at a centre for women in Birmingham from September 2006 till July 2007
Dryness, my God, cracks of my life. I know what the cause of them was. You know it too. That was the beginning of all pain in my life, the beginning of all dryness, that was the option I wouldn’t ever take. It just grabbed me. Grabbed and destroyed everything I have ever created in my life.
Time was passing. I was waiting. You know that I was feeling like a sinner, like a leper who was waiting to be washed. I just felt constant guilt that the moment I was waiting for isn’t coming just because of me. I thought it was my heart. Was it hard as a stone, so hard that You couldn’t break through and fix everything that was broken, what seemed to be an abyss which I was so afraid to look into? … Maybe it was something else – I was just feeling like it was me, so I judged myself everyday because You didn’t. You just surrounded me with Your love. Were You joking?! Where do You get so much love for those who are such big sinners? Sinners like me!!
All the opportunities to seal those cracks up were just like jumping into the abyss: I didn’t know where the end was, how long I would fall. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t stand firm – just too many feelings I haven’t ever felt. You know how big my fear was. Thank You for that trust You gave me. Without it I would probably have followed all the signs which said ‘way out’ (‘Come on, run from here. It’s not worth trying – it will be too difficult. Come on, run from here till it’s not too late!’). But I knew that you wouldn’t give me anything if it wasn’t good for me so I had to deal with all fears I had. Well… I had to accept and try to live with them. I couldn’t do anything else except follow the way You were showing.
You know what I understood? You haven’t ever pushed me, it was me who always wanted to solve everything at once. No wonder it seemed so difficult and so scary.
That’s what You wanted. You just wanted me to do what I like best – to be myself.
You were so gentle, my God! Oh, how wonderful You are and how free I am in You!
You were preparing me for listening. Listening to Your Word. I was now prepared and scared no more.
I know there’s a long way to go, there are so many things which are just like needles on my way, but my heart and my soul are so thirsty for freedom. I was a captive for so long: captive of myself, captive of my thoughts which said that answers are in me. Forgive me! I was too self-centred.
I can see the way, I can see where I need to go now. I don’t know what exactly is waiting for me, but I’m not afraid because You are my strength. I’m not afraid because I know You’ll take care of me. As You always have.
Now You just need to wait till I come to You with the pure heart which You started to cleanse. I know You’ll finish doing that – You are so patient! Thank You for not giving up!
All in You and You in me!
