Dryness, my God, cracks of my life. I know what the cause of them was. You know it too. That was the beginning of all pain in my life, the beginning of all dryness, that was the option I wouldn’t ever take. It just grabbed me. Grabbed and destroyed everything I have ever created in my life.
I know that wasn’t Your fault, so thank You for taking a good care of me anyway.
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Time was passing. I was waiting. You know that I was feeling like a sinner, like a leper who was waiting to be washed. I just felt constant guilt that the moment I was waiting for isn’t coming just because of me. I thought it was my heart. Was it hard as a stone, so hard that You couldn’t break through and fix everything that was broken, what seemed to be an abyss which I was so afraid to look into? … Maybe it was something else – I was just feeling like it was me, so I judged myself everyday because You didn’t. You just surrounded me with Your love. Were You joking?! Where do You get so much love for those who are such big sinners? Sinners like me!!
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All the opportunities to seal those cracks up were just like jumping into the abyss: I didn’t know where the end was, how long I would fall. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t stand firm – just too many feelings I haven’t ever felt. You know how big my fear was. Thank You for that trust You gave me. Without it I would probably have followed all the signs which said ‘way out’ (‘Come on, run from here. It’s not worth trying – it will be too difficult. Come on, run from here till it’s not too late!’). But I knew that you wouldn’t give me anything if it wasn’t good for me so I had to deal with all fears I had. Well… I had to accept and try to live with them. I couldn’t do anything else except follow the way You were showing.
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You know what I understood? You haven’t ever pushed me, it was me who always wanted to solve everything at once. No wonder it seemed so difficult and so scary.
Everything was so different this time. As soon as I gave away my anxiety I just stood there in front of You naked, with nothing except trust and openness. Surrendered…
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That’s what You wanted. You just wanted me to do what I like best – to be myself.
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You were so gentle, my God! Oh, how wonderful You are and how free I am in You!
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You were preparing me for listening. Listening to Your Word. I was now prepared and scared no more.
What did You say?! Everything wasn’t my fault?! Why didn’t You say this earlier? You say I needed that time. I bow my head – that’s true. There’s nothing better than finally to find You, so close and so gentle, so wise and so simple, finally to speak with You and listen to You! No matter how long it takes and no matter how rough the way was – here I am, prepared.
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I know there’s a long way to go, there are so many things which are just like needles on my way, but my heart and my soul are so thirsty for freedom. I was a captive for so long: captive of myself, captive of my thoughts which said that answers are in me. Forgive me! I was too self-centred.
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I can see the way, I can see where I need to go now. I don’t know what exactly is waiting for me, but I’m not afraid because You are my strength. I’m not afraid because I know You’ll take care of me. As You always have.
Now I can follow the sign ‘way out’, but this time this is a sign from You which shows the real way to freedom, the real way closer to You.
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Now You just need to wait till I come to You with the pure heart which You started to cleanse. I know You’ll finish doing that – You are so patient! Thank You for not giving up!
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All in You and You in me!
…All Yours!
Aura
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Aura Polocenkaite was a JVC volunteer in Manchester 2007/8. She volunteered at Loaves and Fishes and Church Action on Poverty and has a lot of photographs of her year.
